rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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