I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
