Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
