he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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