My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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