SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
