i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
