It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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