i barfeds in our rink
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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