I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A+ Viking dick
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
