Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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