I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
