This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
