I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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