I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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