If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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