Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
