I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
