I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
