why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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