Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
