Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
