i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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