The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
