I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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