Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
