So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
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