I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
