i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
