Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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