I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
