I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
