i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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