Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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