i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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