I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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