She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
