I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
