OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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