I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
