i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
