Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
