oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
