stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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