Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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