u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
