when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
