My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
