Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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