She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
NoShamevember. You game?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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