Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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