She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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