The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
