Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
