This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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