so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
