paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
