so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
