Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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