I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Randomize
